Don't Say That

As much as you love to inquire on when others will conceive because you're curious as to how their baby will look, whether they'll have a boy or girl, or you're just plain should probably think twice before asking. Just er on this side of caution and don't ask. If they want you to know, they'll tell you.

This topic came to me a few weeks ago when I was repeatedly asked "when will we see baby #2?" while my husband and I were at a function with several friends. I knew they meant well. But I couldn't help but be offended and be reminded of all the times I was questioned during my infertility journey. You may not know this but, there are other reasons outside of infertility as to why a couple hasn't decided to conceive. Just be sensitive and if you're battling between saying a comment or asking a question...just don't.

Please, for the love of God...DO NOT ASK any of these following questions:

"You guys have been together for 'x amount of years' and still don't have a baby? What's going on?"

"When are y'all going to have kids?"

"Do you even want kids?"

"You're 'x years old', shouldn't you be trying to build your family?"

"Dang, are y'all doing it right? Maybe y'all should try..." *then continues to volunteer the best baby-making positions*

Sounds invasive, right? That's because it is. Believe it or not, people really said all these things to me. What's going on's none of your business. What's going on in another woman's uterus is none of your business, period. Let the couple or woman take the lead on discussing babies, fertility, asking questions, etc. Think about it, what if that woman suffered a or several miscarriages and your inquiry is a trigger for them? What if they truly don't want to have kids? Or what if that woman just wants to simply enjoy herself at an event? Think twice...and don't say that.

If you know someone who has suffered infant or pregnancy loss...DO NOT SAY any of these things:

"Everything happens for a reason."

"When the time is right, it'll happen for you"

"Just chill" or "Just relax"

"At least it wasn't a real baby"

"It just wasn't meant to be"

"It could've been worse"

"When God wants you to have a baby, you'll have a baby"

Yes, people have said these things to me. I remember finally deciding to attend a counseling session. After I told the counselor my entire ectopic pregnancy story, in a cold, heartless and matter-of-fact tone, she had the nerve to say, "well, at least it wasn't a still born. I mean, people have suffered worse. Imagine seeing your baby outside of your body but they're not a live. At least it wasn't a real baby yet". With wide eyes, I slowly grabbed my purse, made a bee-line to my car and cried my eyes out. How could she be so insensitive? How could she compare my loss to another type of loss. I called her supervisor. She got fired and eventually had her license revoked. Turns out I wasn't the only person who'd made a complaint.

All of the aforementioned statements are hurtful, insulting, and just plain wrong. I can understand that you may not know what to say. Not acknowledging your loved one's loss is almost as hurtful as saying the wrong thing. Instead, here are some things YOU CAN do or say when you encounter a loved on who has suffered pregnancy or infant loss:

"I'm here for you"

"I love you"

"I'm praying for you and standing in faith with you"

"You're strong"


Give a small gift such as flowers, a scented candle, massage gift certificate.

Offer to come over and watch their favorite movie and eat take out.

Even though your intent is to say something to help that person/couple feel better, it's best to just be present. On my worst days while I was grieving, the best response my husband gave was just hugging me, in silence. When I went around my friends who knew about our loss, they greeted me with warm hugs and would say "I'm praying for you guys". When friends called me, telling me how much I was loved and that they were there for me if I ever needed to talk, really helped me push through another day. Knowing that I had a support system was comforting. It was my loved ones' acknowledgement of our baby that didn't get a chance to be born that helped me to be comfortable with sharing my story and finding the strength to continue trying.

I encourage you to think twice before asking someone why they don't have kids. If you don't know what to say in the moment, don't say anything. As my good girlfriend says: "Mind your own uterus".